K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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