i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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