Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
