If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Randomize
