my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
