I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
