So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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