life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
