I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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