Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I can't put those talents on a resume
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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