i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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