So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Randomize
