When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
only you would photoshop your dick
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
