You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize