I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
