there's paper in my vomit.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
