was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
