piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
