if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
