I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
