That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
