You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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