one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
