careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
