I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
