The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
