hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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