I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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