Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
