Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
