apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
where are you?
Hypothermia
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
