Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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