So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
