I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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