had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
