You just made me feel so damn special
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
