You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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