Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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