i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I want a musical about memes.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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