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Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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