one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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