man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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