Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Randomize