Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
