he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize