went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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