Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
