He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
