Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
