She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
