I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
