The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
