Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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