dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
