end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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