I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
this is an emotional support booty call
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
