oh god the rape fog is back!
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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