Pants 0. Shit 1.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
