I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
