well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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