Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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