soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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