The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
