I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
