That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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