I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
