I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
