You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
