My cat gives me a boner
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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