Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
